Dark Angel

a slightly different mood

2012-01-16T00:31:00.001+08:00

This is probably a post that stands out for its more hmm, dark, less-happy posts than the happy posts that are swirling around here…

Who are people? Who are we? Who am I?

I am a student, a classmate, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a lover…

So by trying to tear myself into pieces fitting into the relevant parts of the puzzle, sometimes, I wonder.

Is it possible? To be an all-rounder, to fulfil every responsibility, the do’s and the don’ts…you get the drift.

And when I don’t, I keep thinking and wondering. Is it ever possible? How do I do that?

Sometimes, this gets a bit too self-deprecating…

Probably, I’ll find the answers someday.

love

2011-12-29T23:50:00.001+08:00

I have a theory that I know will pull through time, and yes, that I’m confident of. If ever energy runs out in the world today, love will be able to supply us with endless energy to carry on with life. Tested and proven, love is a source of motivation that is hard to speak of, let alone write out. The closest I can write, the motivation comes from beneath and within your heart that feels warmth, care and enthusiasm. An enduring spark of light perhaps, from within the heart, that makes you push boundaries and exhaust extremes. When I say tested and proven, it is not from the scientific way but rather experiences that shape a person’s heart and soul. Bless you for reading this.

random

2011-11-24T01:32:00.001+08:00

“But there's also a chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime,

the one person who knows you sometimes better then you know yourself,

is the same person who has been standing beside you all along."

sometimes

2011-11-20T00:54:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, one has to have a little quiet time to reflect, ponder, evaluate.

Because at any point in your lifetime, you go through something.

And you grow through it.

Also, you know that you can’t please everyone all the time.

So listen to your thoughts and value your mind.

♣

helloo i miss you

2011-10-26T22:26:00.001+08:00

Hello, I miss you.

It’s been so long.

Writing in this space.

I miss you, you.

You, the only one who calls me by names; cute name, crazy name, name when I’m a naughty child-like girl. And all the names you call me, all the sounds you make when calling me, even all the seemingly off the ordinary sounds make me feel like the most special, most unique girl around. Because I understand all the sounds.

The intonations of your voice that resonates in my heart, in my soul. Something deep within flitters and stirs up inside.

Once again, you stir up my inspirations and my itch to write.

To publish, to make this space alive again.

It’s been so long.

♥

absence

2011-06-26T22:01:00.001+08:00

Have you ever felt something is amiss before? That the day just does not function right without a certain someone.

Have you ever felt a certain emptiness and longing, so much so that your heart aches and you just want to sleep it over?

Have you ever felt that a certain voice is missing out for a while and just wants the days to pass over as soon as possible?

Anyway, back to the more tangible details. This whole holiday has left me pondering and thinking. So many things to see, so many things to say.

Who is genuine, who is sincere, who is true, who is real. All these details, you can’t ever escape away from.

Time will tell, situations in life will tell.

A common saying is that life is a stage, and we are all but actors on it. All thanks to Shakespeare of course, such awesome literature.

Speaking of literature, I’m still pondering whether to switch over to Sociology or stay faithful to Literature no matter how historyish the modules appear to be.

That aside, as much as the saying holds true, no matter how many layers of masks you put on as an acclaimed actor/actress, the layers will give way as soon as the situation permits and succumbs to changes. It’s akin to actors and actresses having to react to sudden changes on stage, changes in backlighting or sound or whatsoever.

I’ve seen however much I could these past few months. I’ve felt many emotions ranging from relief to anger to hatred to bitterness to resentment to realisation to understanding to tolerance.

I’m doing what I can do to salvage the situation, or to lessen the damages and consequences arising from the situation. Yet, certain things just do not stop me from feeling such disappointment in others, and bewilderment in my own misjudgement. It’s like the same scenerio from a certain real life situation, the kidnapper kidnaps the victim and victim develops feelings for the kidnapper after a long period of time. The only thing that differs from that scenerio is that the victim does not come to a realization and is forever trapped in darkness, no light at all. Not even a mere beacon of light. Probably I’m considered lucky in this sense, but of course others may say it’s best not to realise and know certain things at all. So many years of existence, and you only realise it today. How would you feel? Probably a rebirth, probably disgust?

It can work both ways too. Disgust and a sense of relief or something. Either way, things happen for a reason and changes are there for a reason too. It’s how individuals cope with it and see from which perspective. I’m thankful for being thrown into such overwhelming light of realisation, it’s like a blinding light at the end of a very long and dark and twisted tunnel. So ever twisted. The most twisted tunnel ever.

seen a lot

2011-05-31T01:23:00.001+08:00

I’ve seen a lot of things, ever since he came into my life. Is this what they call the changing phase thing in life?

Many things have changed, with family, with friends. Change was something I never liked at all. Change was something I dreaded and was scared about, but this change is something different. Changed my perspective in looking at people, in reflecting upon others’ actions onto you yourself, in looking at my own self-worth in relation to self, family, friends, and in looking at truth and sincerity in people. This change, I’ll have to say, makes me ponder upon certain things in life and makes me look at things I’ve never looked in a way before. Probably this makes me a person who is less vulnerable to certain things. What about being a person more valued in life when at times, there are misunderstandings about you from others? Change is something that can’t be controlled especially when it comes from an external source. Inevitably when something good happens, something not so good happens too. So what do you do then? I guess, the safest thing to say would be: I’ll think back upon the good old times and save up some part of goodness in people to remind self that it is really not so bad. And when there is so much love in my life now that I’m speechless to say about, what more could I ask for? I’ll stay contented like this, and remind self that nothing is perfect in this world. When you gain some, you inevitably lose some.

i will always carry you

2011-05-12T00:53:00.001+08:00

In my heart you’ll always be my shooting star

Autumn days will fade away

But memories will always stay the same

By far the happiest days in my life,

contentment, the purest, simplest form of bliss and completeness.

So happy I smiled so broadly at the night sky while thinking back those precious, beautiful memories,

the night stars sparkled at times, smiling back at me.

A Poem for Thee

2011-04-13T16:57:00.001+08:00

Memories that do not obliterate

envelop this little heart

in a comforting embrace

These little thoughts dance

and take me to the

not-so-distant past

Moments ago, hours, minutes

of your everyday actions and ways

Keeping me satiated and dazed

Away from the ‘I Miss You’ days

The little heart that says of this bittersweet embrace.

Poem written for you and only you, no snatching please.

loved and prepared to go all the way

2011-04-04T15:06:00.001+08:00

Many things have happened in a short while, yet everything feels extended into a long period of time. For all I know now, I’m prepared to defend with all I have between us, prepared to defy all odds, and in the extreme, strain or even cut off relations that do not seem to understand us however much we try to explain, that is my promise to you. For happiness is to be fought for.

i want to fly off with you to the unexplored depths of the world, to heaven, to eternity, to enjoy all wonderful creations of the world, the scenery, the breath of the air, the awe-inspiring cultural differences, food, nature, scenery, where you will hold my hand and wrap me in your warmth and give me all the reassurance and confidence that no one else in the world would be able to replicate, not even the kindest kin.

about it all

2011-02-23T23:49:00.001+08:00

All the little instinctive feelings, these little actual realizations, are too coincidental to be directly instinctive, they must be of a soul meeting his or her other, they must have gone through too much in time, in space, in the floaty notions of Fate, in all things miraculous, to be finally together.

I can feel my creativity flowing through, slowly, bit by bit, thanks to you.

I miss writing poetry previously, but I can write it freely now.

♥

I could write a poem within minutes, of which in previous times, I couldn’t.

The important thing is that I can, now.

a new morning

a new breath of light

as sudden as the midday wind

'i like you'

becomes a truth to seek

your truest sincerity

the kindest rarity

a new soul rekindles in me

the old faith of a forgotten heart and past

comes out burning confidently, at last

you are my Saviour,

who taught me how to live,

how to bring out the best in me,

in Us,

with ever-thriving love so to speak,

which thrives even if all things turn to dust.

saviour

2011-01-30T23:23:00.001+08:00

Just when I finished saying I gave up on love, I started reading Have A Little Faith.

Just when I finished the book, I also finished a little ‘crisis’ of my own.

My faith was saved by you,

I am safe now.

the month of december

2011-01-06T20:54:00.001+08:00

The month of December got me smiling all the while;

I won’t forget the sweet coldness and lame nothing-to-do afternoons

Rain and sunshine, friends and family, laughter and self-craziness

Wish I can do whatever I want to do even in the month of January, and other months too

So carefree and indulgent

In this little world

its true

2010-12-14T00:40:00.001+08:00

Its true, tried and tested.

hmm

2010-12-09T18:26:00.001+08:00

When I was just about to really let go of this fragile heartstring and sink myself back to reality, avoiding idealistic fantasy, you pulled the heartstring back for me.

And now I’m back at number one.

catharsis

2010-11-28T23:16:00.001+08:00

Hmm…I have a feeling Inspiration is going to find me and be a part of me.

Starting from today, from a clear sense of what I want to do with myself and a reckless confidence.

It was a quiet catharsis seeing my hair getting shorter with each trip to the hairdresser’s. ♥

really,

2010-11-21T13:59:00.001+08:00

really,

i think

2010-11-18T12:15:00.001+08:00

I think everyone of us, are too busy being afraid to love.

We aren’t brave enough to love freely, wholeheartedly, disregarding consequences,

in this funny transient world.

official

2010-11-12T01:46:00.001+08:00

Officially gives up on love,

hah.

Friends and Family always, anytime!

all because of you

2010-11-10T01:08:00.001+08:00

2010-11-08T20:11:00.001+08:00

Hmm…give me some time to shed a tear.

It’s speechless when so many people have so much hopes of you,

when actually the reality is the opposite.

Suddenly, I have not enough strength for the world.

Look, at her. No, don’t look.

family

2010-11-06T23:59:00.001+08:00

Enough about love, enough about lovey issues. They are too far-fetched, too uncertain, it makes you look silly holding on to such fragile ideas.

Instead, look around you, look at your family. Feel the strength of the invisible bonds, the warmth at the simplest of things, the happiness radiating all around, the laughter and the smiles. They are always here, always. Always exuding warmth, security, happiness, peace.

Somehow I feel I’ve not been feeling much, even nothing sometimes. Somehow forgotten the human touch, the basic of all things.

Someday I’ll learn how to carry a baby properly, humanely…such a perplexity.

uncertain

2010-10-25T21:22:00.001+08:00

It’s frustrating how life is so uncertain.

You try to hold onto meanings, to people, to possibilities.

But everytime you do that, you break the string that you are holding on, you break your own heart.

You scream at yourself, at your own naivety/optimism, that one day you can be the core of his heart.

You look down on yourself, at how noone really loves you, at least noone daring enough to, and you question your worth.

You try so much to hold onto the here and now, because you never know what’s going to happen.

You can never know the next split second’s worth.

You try to hold onto dear people, people whom you want to treasure, people who can be your significant other.

You want to know the future, because then there’s comfort in security.

You regret growing up so fast because you just miss all the simplicity and certainty in the past.

P.S. A Little Story, From me

A lady grows to love a man, she couldn’t explain why. Why do I love him, she says, Well I love him, because he’s him!

The lady smiles widely everytime she says that to everyone who knows and asks her.

The man is a fine man, he appreciates the lady’s love for him. He smiles everytime when he’s with her.

The lady loves all she has with the man, from holding hands to walking under the rain to the clasping of hands in a crowded area.

She loves it more when she hugs him and he hugs back, when she makes love to him in cosy blankets and he makes love to her back.

One fine day, on a lazy lovely day in bed, the man whispers to the lady, Actually, you’ve always been a shadow of her.

Just that, I didn’t tell you that, until now, he says. The lady had a thought that echoed so loud in her, You’ve always been a shadow, you’re not her, you can never be her.

She looked at him for the longest time, and screamed the fuck out of herself.

She ran away so fast that the man thought that she probably had only existed in his mind all along.

At night, the lady made herself disappear in the shadows of the dark.

don’t know

2010-10-23T01:13:00.001+08:00

Hmm…I don’t know how to think of you, what to think of you anymore…

Day by day, you’re faltering away, like smoke meets water.

But the still heartening thing is, I can still remember fragments of those little things you did in the little days of happiness.

And that reminds me of you, the totality of you.

the night

2010-10-17T19:40:00.001+08:00

The night comes by too fast, it feeds on your own uncertainties.

The day is too hazy, so many routine activities it blurs you.

Then night comes by again, and this cycle continues.

Wish I could undo all my days and reside in nature.

(Inspired by AY)

can’t nobody do it like you

2010-10-16T20:55:00.001+08:00

Can’t nobody do it like you

Say every little thing you do

Say it stays on my mind

And I’m, officially missing you

I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say,

Safe to say, that I’m

Officially missing you

All I hear is raindrops,

Falling on the rooftop…

fragile

2010-10-12T23:03:00.001+08:00

(I am too vulnerable. You cannot hurt me. You can only love.)

oh, they don’t know.

2010-10-11T20:59:00.000+08:00

Oh, they don’t know. That people dearest to you cut across your fucked-up heart effortlessly. What do you do, then? You believe in the things you believe in, always, and prove them wrong, as they have always been.

heartening

2010-10-06T20:27:00.001+08:00

…It’s heartening how I didn’t expect myself to have some heart…for you.

a beautiful mess

2010-10-04T01:36:00.001+08:00

It’s so nice to chance upon this Beautiful Mess, look at the lyrics, they’re speaking.

Based on your body language, your shoddy cursive I’ve been reading
Your style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
‘Cause here we are, here we are
Although you are biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship were staging
And its a beautiful mess, yes it is

‘Cause here, here we are

Here we are,
We're still here

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
Well fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together

ugh ugh ugh

2010-10-02T00:30:00.001+08:00

Hmm, piece all these together, and you get the answer.

“When I look in your eyes I can see that you want to be with me but you're so scared
And I don't know what to say or do
But the tears keep falling from your eyes”

beauty in lyrics

2010-09-27T20:20:00.005+08:00

Beautiful Lyrics

Spotlight’s shining brightly/On my face/I can't see a thing and yet I feel you looking my way/Empty stage/With nothing but this girl/Singing this simple melody and wearing her heart on her sleeve/And right now,/I have you,/For a moment I can tell I've got you/ ‘Coz your lips don't move/Something is happening/ ’Coz your eyes tell me the truth/…I've put a spell over you

Beauty emanates from every/Word that you say/You've captured the deepest thoughts in the purest, simplest of ways/But you see, I'm not that graceful, like you/Nor am I as eloquent/But just a simple melody/Can change the way that you see me/And right now

I have you/For a moment, I can tell I've got you/ ’Coz your lips don't move/And something is happening/ ’Coz your eyes tell me the truth/…I've put a spell over you

And all my life I've stumbled but up here I am just perfect…/Perfect as I'll, ever be~I have you,/For a moment I can tell I've got you/ ’Coz your lips don't move/And something is happening/’Coz your eyes tell me the truth/…I've put a spell over you.

[Spell-Marie Digby]

Every night I rush to my bed/With hopes that maybe I’ll get a chance to see you when I close my eyes/..I’m going out of my head/Lost in a fairytale/Would you hold my hands and be my guide/…Clouds filled with stars/Cover your sky../And I hope it rains,/You’re the perfect lullaby~

You could be my sweet dream,/Or beautiful nightmare/Either way I,/don’t wanna wake up from your/Sweet dream/Or beautiful nightmare,/Somebody pinch me,/Your love’s too good to be true…

My guilty pleasure I ain’t going nowhere/Baby as long as you’re here/I’ll be floating on air-

‘Coz you’re my/Sweet dream/Or a, beautiful nightmare/Either way I,/don’t wanna wake up from you.

[Sweet dreams-Tiffany Eugenio]

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for
No matter what you say about life

I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger

I gotta let my spirit be free to admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry, but I have to move on
And leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one.

[Tattoo- Jordin Sparks]

sometimes

2010-09-24T20:00:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, when you lose heart, not a single soul knows.

Sometimes, you just need to know, it’s okay to feel and be so.

Sometimes, you just wait for someone to pick you up, and let you feel alive again.

Sometimes, you just wait.

Sometimes, you just sleep it over and let go.

Sometimes, you just feel lousy for a while and it goes.

Sometimes…..

.

2010-09-21T23:45:00.001+08:00

suddenly, the world ‘crumbles’, okay, my world.

(it crumbled once, and now again.)

(i can only imagine virtual hugs right now.)

on another note

2010-09-16T21:04:00.001+08:00

P.S. Came across a blog that is so endearing, and I would like to quote her endearing words:

Hopeless Romantic - “I've never even known what it's like to love someone--or at least, like someone a lot--and have them like me back.
Like, truly like me back. For who I am. Sometimes it actually feels like it will always be this way for me.”

Girl, you’re speaking for all the young un(undo-the-un)broken hearts out there feeling exactly the same as you.

‘fraid

2010-09-16T20:47:00.001+08:00

I’m afraid,

‘fraid my heart would not take it

if yours whisper I adore you so

So much, to another

Heart on guard

I would run away,

With my heart astray,

Never to be seen again.

♥

ponder

2010-09-14T20:40:00.001+08:00

To Ponder

Hush,

this secret judgment of a heart

Timidly insignificant-

no one can answer the silent

Questionings, confounding,

Confounds the still beating heart

of a wrecked-up past

Does it hide still,

Beating silently unwillingly, in the corner

of the Dark?

exclusion

2010-09-12T15:37:00.001+08:00

Exclusion

You

separate

exclusion, temperate

feeling slowly

seeps within

injustice, disgust, fury

elimination from this society-

wipe you out.

Hmm, finally. I’m writing poetry again after so long.

Muse, muse, muse.

we’re gonna dance on

2010-09-10T03:06:00.002+08:00

I’ll keep marching to the beat

Till there’s bruises on my feet

And I’ll take this all the way

‘

‘Cause I know everything’s gonna be alright

Now you’re standing right here by my side

And we dance on, so we dance on.

Hmm, this year’s so different.

Your presence is already a present.

so can we just

2010-09-08T11:50:00.001+08:00

Coming so close to me now you’re a part of me

You’re everything that I could not explain

And now I want to show you what I've always tried to be

So can we just fall in love…

I see home in your eyes and

You will always be my best

Waiting for so long for too long now I confess

I’ve tried to find you in so many ways and I've failed

Now we’re on fire and I'm so calm I can finally rest in you

So can we just fall in love…

I see home in your eyes and

You will always be my best

And I will never let go…

peace out

2010-09-06T21:17:00.001+08:00

Peace out!

self-imposed

2010-09-06T01:47:00.001+08:00

What was I thinking before I thought of Tuesdays with Morrie again?

“If you hold back on the emotions-if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them-you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is.

I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.”

…♥

repressing

2010-09-02T20:46:00.001+08:00

Questions and questions, never-ending. I’m not even bothering to list them out.

Repression of feelings,

how will that cost me?

(I’m already feeling the ache, the suffocation.

How I adore you so, the heck I do not know.)

(My heart, shouldn’t still be here

shouldn’t still be here

shouldn’t still be

goodness me,)

grooovy

2010-08-31T23:27:00.001+08:00

I heart this mood

Groove

Just move, baby.

We can hold the world with our hearts

☼

hmm

2010-08-14T22:13:00.001+08:00

Credits to Love Trains.

I adore you.

dancing in glitter

2010-08-08T15:13:00.001+08:00

I’m almost dancing in glitter

Ever since so long

I now see Life’s magnificence

I know you can take me far

Let’s be Recklessness and Courage

And admire our beautiful hearts

Credits to the lovely website http://www.weheartit.com

sometimes

2010-07-27T22:41:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder how a day can go by so quickly with my thoughts.

Now, I still wonder.

Prob. Mom is right. I never did make full use of my longest holiday, prob.

But heck, I went to loads of places, done stuff carefreely, am in peace.

But prob, I just want to stay in peace.

Maybe, she’s both wrong and right.

if the moon fell down

2010-07-16T22:23:00.001+08:00

Every time I see your smile
It all makes my heart beat fast
And though it's much too soon to tell
I'm hoping this will last
'Cause I just always wanna have you right here by my side
The future's near but never certain
At least stay here for just tonight

I must've done something right
To deserve you in my life
I must've done something right along the way

I just can't get you off my mind,
and why would I even try
’Cause even when I close my eyes
I dream about you all the time
I just always wanna have you right here by my side
The future's near but never certain
So please stay here for just tonight

And even if the moon fell down tonight,
There'd be nothing to worry about at all
Because you make the whole world shine.

♪¤

It’s nice to discover such songs by chance, always.

ChaseCoyChaseCoyChaseCoy

Chase! (Chose this video coz’ of the first photo)

I don’t mind if the moon fell down

P.S. The Mirror Hurts: “I never heard what you said, just what you meant. I hate you. I love you. I don't love you anymore.”

12 lotus

2010-07-11T00:18:00.001+08:00

Twelve Lotus, first Hokkien movie that caught my heart. (oh, it’s still there?)

Time and Loss. Love and Heartbreak. Sanity and Self-forsaken.

I didn’t know the Hokkien songs have so much meaning, reading the subtitles made me appreciate the songs more. Beautifully sung.

Well, you have to click the link and watch it to know fully what I’m talking about.

A blink,

And it shall be,

A decade more years.

Nothing changes,

yet the world changes.

for all the selflessness

2010-07-01T00:24:00.001+08:00

For all the selflessness, we have selfishness.

Everyone’s selfish in their different ways.

You? You’re selfish in the way you break my heart.

awakening, fragility of life

2010-06-28T22:35:00.001+08:00

I was stunned. I was baffled. I was amazed. I’m amazed. I’m still damn relieved. I’m grateful. I was regretful. I’m so, damn blessed.

(I almost died, literally. Watched the heavy glass box of light drop in front of my very eyes. A tinkle, and a mini-explosion. I almost wanted to walk below the space. Something told me not to, so I continued to sit on the sofa.)
(So I didn’t die. I have a blessed, blessed life. This the awakening.)

Such is the fragility of life.

One second here, the next second, maybe gone.

dream about the wind

2010-06-27T23:45:00.001+08:00

Today feels like the first day I’m living.

(Notice the last 3 photos taken, it’s like a little, little, super little story)

This post I’m sure you’ll understand, I still don’t understand why people don’t understand my posts. =)

Don’t be afraid to dream about the never-ending wind…

The wind was so awesome today. =D I have an affection for the wind and rain. Especially heavy rain that ‘sings’, and the awesome coldness of it.=)

Why didn’t I anticipate about today?

Yesterday’s scenery was good too.

Close friends will definitely be laughing at this post, all about scenery, and this is not even taken during overseas. =D

Revived, exhilarated,

Alive.

P.S. I don’t understand why people are so puzzled/shocked about my ‘death’ on Facebook. I’m quite tired of repeating my reasons too. Does this speak clearly of the increasing necessity for technology controlling our lives? Even it being the dictator? It’s like I’ve done the most atrocious thing ever, like playing sticks and stones in an office probably? Can’t seem to think of any analogy now. =D

live well

2010-06-25T14:33:00.003+08:00

I Bled It Out With Colour Pencils, Oil Pastels and Watercolours

(Done @ 01:30am, touched up @ 13:30pm)

>Magnified Version<

Juvenile art? Yes? No?

All I know is, I will live well.

So well.

P.S. Hearts Picturesque album by Chase Coy: “The result is something that I hope will both move and inspire you; something that you can find beauty in, and that will give you hope. I hope that it will restore your faith in love if you've lost it, and most of all, I hope that by listening to it you will learn more about yourself and the world around you.”

i want to

2010-06-24T22:48:00.001+08:00

i want to

cut my hair out

(People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But its killing me to see you go after all this time.)

(Are you proud? For all my wrecked feelings?)

the distance makes things meaningless

2010-06-22T18:43:00.001+08:00

the distance makes things meaningless- “You are the distance between the way things are and the way I want them to be.”

More than ever, when the distance is physical and figurative

Haven’t you let go?

fullstop

2010-06-14T14:16:00.001+08:00

Promise you’ll be back

make

2010-05-30T23:20:00.001+08:00

And thanks for making me this way.

letting go

2010-05-23T13:50:00.001+08:00

Do you know, there’s beauty in letting go.

Do you know what it is, to be utterly free.

speechless

2010-05-16T00:22:00.001+08:00

Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless
And I’ll never love again,
Oh friend you left me speechless, you’ve left me speechless

So speechless

You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

He’s gonna get you and after he’s been through

There's gonna be no love left to rye
So baby raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless
And I'll never love again,
Oh friend you’ve left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

How?
How?
How?
How?
How?

And after all the boys and girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?
If I promise, boy to you

That I'll never talk again

Oh
And I'll never love again
Oh

I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along
I'll never love again

How?

Will you ever talk again?
Boy Why you so speechless?
You've left me speechless

Oh oh.

Floating Lady-in-red with piano laced down in billowing red, those majestic red eyes that make you inhumane and lovely at the same time, I hear you.

Haunting, robotic, insane, inhumane, seeking revenge protection understanding, yet beautiful, hard-hearted and all-knowing.

the day time waited for me

2010-05-12T23:15:00.001+08:00

The Day Time Waited for Me: “And so, I wait because you have already left and my work here, is done. I wait and wonder how my skin feels like it’s made of love letters written a hundred years too soon (too late). I wonder at the mystery of life and how much of it can possibly remain. I wonder at pain and hurt and love and time and how much of each I held. I wonder at how I cannot remember anything in my life before I met you. I wonder at the tiniest of touches and try, desperately, to keep their memories alive. I wonder at loneliness. I wonder at how long it’ll be, before I see you again. I wait. And I wonder.”

Picture from I Wrote This For You

This one, I can totally relate to. Just because I can, and so I quote this. But it doesn’t mean wallowing in its pity, but thriving in its lovely grief. It’s beautiful. It referring to the above beautiful words.

I’m quitting Facebook for real, it’s too tempting in prying into people’s lives and too tiring to let others pry into your life unknowingly and blatantly. And sorry, I love to use the word voyeuristic appeal for Facebook. Thank you.

So I’m welcoming life into this space, because blogging is just a part of my passion for writing words and poetry. But sure I’ll miss the cool sharing button for Facebook. Just that.

Well, but the pictures used are not by me. And anything that’s not in this “ “, that’s from this cloud-nine mind.

So hellooo Ting! I’m writing your name coz’ I know you’re the only one who reads this quite often. =) ♥ (Well, maybe I’m deluding myself coz’ I’m aware too that others might be present, those anonymous ones. )

a sealed envelope

2010-05-02T22:53:00.002+08:00

A Sealed Envelope
Please do not try to unravel me.
I’m trying to remain as invisible
As I can be.
Your insistent hands,
Are the rudest intrusions of a kind.
The sticky glue’s
Smell lingers and slowly suffocates you.
You wouldn’t want to be bereaved
When I unnecessarily disclose
All my hideousness
That would encircle and haunt you.
Beneath the sticky glue,
My heart is sealed.
For the better of you.
Believe me-
You wouldn’t want to.
So go away
As far as you can
Leave this place-
And never come back.

love you for you

2010-03-16T00:03:00.002+08:00

Love pulls people down together.
.
.

.

.

.
.
.
Save you. Save me.

eyes on me

2010-02-23T13:52:00.004+08:00

The Tick-Tock in Your Chest- "I will hold you so tightly and carefully when I see you again. Like crystal. Or an atom bomb."

the laughter stopped you from crying

2010-02-18T11:02:00.005+08:00

The Laughter Stopped You From Crying- "If you can pretend as hard as I'm pretending, this can be the first time we've ever met. Not the last."

The Prisoner Of War- "If you find this, you are the second person trapped inside this heart. I do not know how long I have been here but I have tried to leave it as I found it: Dark."

I knew I'd get like this again
That's why I try to keep at bay
Be a 100% when I'm with you and then
The perfect heart's length away
The stickler is you've played not one beat wrong
You never promised me anything
Even sat me down and warned me just how they fall
I knew the odds were I'd never win

And here I am

My self-worth measured in text-back tempo
It's been 2 days and 8 mins too slow
There may well be others
But I still like to pretend
I'm the one you really want to grow old with
Got a schedule to stick to
Got a world to keep sweet
You're so much to everyone all the time
Will you ever slow down, will I ever come first
The universe contracts to sigh

And here I am

You know you'll never be lonely
No, you'll always be loved
And maybe, you never need more than that
For the surplus of loves, what's to become of us
Does it even, register on your conscience
Long for one last showdown
From a box in a crowd
Air, compressed, tight to explode
I'm clenching my ticket to the only way out
As you disappear in a puff of smoke

Miss Invisible

2010-02-04T23:50:00.001+08:00

There's a girl
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something she's hiding
And she can't find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy when inside
She just wants to cry
She'll say,

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder, I, really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and, maybe then you will see, why she waits for the day
When you ask her name

In the beginning, in the first weeks of class
She did everything to try and fit in
But the others, couldn't seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface
She would close her eyes and when they left her, she fell down the stairs
And the more that they joked and the more that they screamed
She retreated to where she is now
And she'll sing..

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer, I, really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder and, maybe then you will see, why she waits for the day
When you ask her name

Then, one day, just the same as the last
Just, the day spent counting the time
Came a boy, who sat under the bleachers,
Just a little bit further behind.

the brilliance of you

2010-02-03T00:09:00.003+08:00

(You're like the sun. Gaze at it, and it hurts your eyes, but the brilliance of it. Giving people warmth and life, and then it slowly goes away, from your sight, )

"We are lost, she and I, unseen and not seeing, unheard and not hearing, unknown by others.

I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my face over the years washing away my pain,"-Amy Tan

wordless

2010-01-28T22:58:00.000+08:00

"And this I promise you: I will come back, transformed, as many times as you will throw me away." -Alexandrea Roman

.
.
.
I find myself quoting, quoting and quoting, finding the words in people that are apt to describe some things. Some feelings, some thoughts. And this is a realisation of what have become of me. A blank,

.
.
.

Borrowed words. And what have happened to you?

holding hope, love, faith

2010-01-24T19:10:00.001+08:00

From I Wrote This For You's The Last Stop Before The Last Stop-

"Some people say that love doesn't last forever.

But I've met other people. And while over the decades their bodies have forgotten the ideas of who they were, their heads remember their hearts.

Maybe they didn't love forever, just a lifetime.

But they still make liars of those people. You and I can make liars of them too."

heart of gold isn't always gold

2010-01-24T00:21:00.002+08:00

(What, is my life revolved around others?)

Sorry, but I don't live for you, I refuse to live for you, but I feel so damn compelled/obliged/freakingly forced to. I don't know why, but being polite is like a default, sometimes, I wish to scream at myself and tell the other to !@#$ off. Go away, far far away, if you need only me, no, error, if you need only my *insert whatever shit here*.

Gosh, it's so hard to trust anyone/anything anymore. Questions and Hopes. Dashed and Forgettable. Oh, such an easy thing to forget, oh, only when I need 'you'. And I'm giving things up, because it's so tiring and I feel so sick. As sick as you can be.

[Heart of Gold isn't always gold]

the last train

2010-01-22T19:19:00.000+08:00

First time that I took part in a caption contest, and somehow, the photo meant a lot to me.

The Last Train Home

Dunno how I should feel, after attempting to take part. Relieved/humiliated/a little of all things.

lovely day~~

2010-01-19T19:24:00.001+08:00

~*~*Wake me gently, My Sunshine
Just like a princess in the fairly tales, I will close my eyes and wait
When I open my eyes, please stay by my side, Love Shine
Just like a prince in the fairly tales, look and smile at me
Even if I do not know, in my eyes there’s only you
And even if I don’t know my heart is throbbing, the sound of my heart beats
I wanna love you, I wanna need you
Can you feel it, my feeling
Come to me, come a little bit closer and take my heart away
Everyday lovely day everyday I will whisper to you again
Sweeter than candy, I will give my love to you
Reading the magic spells, shalala
Your smile appeared like the warm sunshine,
My heart is throbbing again
Now say it to me:
I wanna love you I wanna need you
Can you feel it, my feeling
Come to me, come a little bit closer and take my heart away
Everyday lovely day everyday I will whisper to you again
Sweeter than candy, I will give my love to you
Wanna love you wanna need you,
I will hug you tight. lovely day please try to feel my heart
Together, forever
Lalalala, lalalala, everyday I will bring you happiness
Sweeter than candy I will give my love to you~*~*

Hee, I’m listening to this without fail everyday. Love the song’s vibe, makes me tingly happy.

heart be kind…

2010-01-18T23:22:00.001+08:00

Heart be kind and sign the release

As the trees their loss approve

Learn as leaves must learn to fall

Out of danger, out of love.

What belongs to frost and thaw

Sullen winter will not harm.

What belongs to wind and rain

Is out of danger from the storm.

Jealous passion, cruel need,

Betray the heart they feed upon.

But what belongs to earth and death,

Is out of danger from the sun.

I was cruel, I was wrong-

Hard to say and hard to know.

You do not belong to me.

You are out of danger now-

Out of danger from the wind,

Out of danger from the wave,

Out of danger from the heart

Falling, falling out of love.

-James Fenton

“Heart be kind and sign the release

As the trees their loss approve

Learn as leaves must learn to fall “

“Heart be kind and sign the release

And the rest of the poem, forget about it.

baby's magic

2010-01-17T22:51:00.001+08:00

The surprise of a cradle, melts the heart into a slicky burning candle, with crazy unexplainable unstoppable smiles.

"Hold the baby for a while, I'll go get warm water." Eh? I don't know how to carry the baby? How? "Just like that, easy." Oh. Hmm. Wow. Baby cries (wails), stretches, and I'm lost for a zillion of a second. Oh, shush, shush. Attempts to sing, doremifasolatido, dotilasofamiredo, doe a deer, a female deer.. while tapping his bottom, cradling him just a little. And then, suddenly, baby's asleep, like a cute darling. The warmth of his head, the endearing-ness of his deep-sleep look. Wow, this is magic.

"i wrote this for you"

2010-01-14T00:07:00.003+08:00

And I'm really comforted to find this. The words of a person, can be so strong. I actually envy this guy, Iain Thomas, who can write like this. From "I Wrote This For You", these two posts really struck my heart. And I feel ashamed to own a blog after getting to know this blog.

The Hardest You Could Be- "And you will find no fear here, in unkind words or the hardness of others.

And you will find no sadness here, in the meanness of the world, in the anger that comes from those who feel small.

And you will find no hurt here, in a million insults or a single, softly spoken lie.

Because only a hard heart shatters.

Only a hard heart, breaks."

And another one which made me smile, The Clouds Move Slowly- "You close your eyes when you cry. That's ok. Just don't keep them closed too long. Things have become beautiful since you last looked. There's nothing more to cry about."

Thank you, for this.
Though I'm temporarily comforted, the words gave me a certainty, it's like an angel writing.

P.S. The Missing Exclamation Marks- "You're ok. Breathe. Just breathe. Open your eyes. Come back. It's ok. It's over now. You're ok. Wake up. Please wake up. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. I love you so fucking much. Come back."

The Heart Rides On- "I love you. I love your eyes. I love your smell. I love your hair. I love your laugh. I love your skin. I love everything inside you. And I'll try to make all the parts that I find, happy.

Because you make me happy. So much."

a light

2010-01-01T00:10:00.001+08:00

There’s got to be the light.

I have to see the light, we have to.

the last 09

2009-12-31T20:47:00.007+08:00

30 December 2009: She lied, blatantly, about being out, un-alone. She had been walking, relentlessly, searching for a nice view, unpolluted, untainted. She’s easily weak lately, so she saw a nice high rock landing with a wide, wide view. Intruding into the privacy of a couple at the other end she didn’t care. This was how strangers treated each other, doing their own stuff in their own private bubble. Standing on the high rock landing, her view was only brooding sea, churning fierce waves and dark water. The solitary experience thrilled her, liberating her from her dangerous thoughts temporal. The hours unknowingly passed by, and so she sat by the sea like an impervious rock, rendered speechless by the sea waves splashing, forming the background music of her own music. She was thrilled by the strong winds, she wished they could take the bleakness out of her, and take her away. She would be going with the wind, gradually yet silently, but eventually gone. There would be peace in her mind, going in sync with the wind, waves, and huge sky. The sky was really big when she gazed up from there. And too was the ocean, so wide and expansive, she wondered if she could sink her thoughts in it. Yet, she could not escape noticing a dead fish floating from below, the dark and murky waters; the bleakness of it that parallels her own. If only someone would notice her, even the fishermen on the boat near didn’t give a damn about her. If only someone did, he would see a girl in black, an awkward figure on the high rock landing, gazing out into the infinitely boundless sea, rendered dumb, insensible, speechless. It wasn’t the norm for her to wear black, she hated the colour, it made her feel horrible. But it seemed perfect to wear the colour then.

Memories of places, of pieces of clothing, linger and haunt. Yet people say memories are bittersweet, but why? Is it because they know things that happened before, took place before, would not again? Or memories are poignant and beautiful, though they aren't everlasting? Maybe it is. Bittersweet because memories are poignant and beautiful, and they won't stay in our memory forever, they can’t stay in our memory forever; new experiences, time would erase them, gradually, unnoticeably, indefinitely. And what would happen to you?
.

.
"He panicked: How will I remember everything about Elspeth? Now he was full of her smells, her voice, the hesitation on the telephone before she said his name, the way she moved when he made love to her...At this moment he knew everything he would ever know of Elspeth, and he urgently needed to stop time so that nothing could escape. But it was too late: he should have stopped when she did; now he was running past her, losing her. She was already fading. I should write it all down...but nothing would be adequate. Nothing I can write would bring her back."

"As each night passed he found it more difficult to evoke Marijke precisely. He panicked and pinned up dozens of photographs of her all over the flat. Somehow this only made things worse. His actual memories began to be replaced by the images; his wife, a whole human being, was turning into a collection of dyes on small white rectangles of paper. Even the photographs were not as intensely colourful as they had once been, he could see that. Washing them didn't help. Marijke was bleaching out of his memory. The harder he tried to keep her the faster she seemed to vanish."

" "Ye-es. I don't know. He seems to have stopped- that is, he's doing all the things one does, but there's no heart in him. I don't think he's even working on his thesis. He 's just not getting over her." "

-Quotes from Her Fearful Symmetry
.

.
At times like these, I wished I had no heart to love, no, nothing. Nothing but blankness and peace.

Because I have to sleep over a silently-ravaged heart every night.

always love you

2009-12-21T23:19:00.002+08:00

If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I’ll go
But I know
I’ll think of you, every step of the way
And I…will always love you…
I…will always, love you.
I hope, life treats you kind
And I hope, you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy, and happiness
But above all this, I’ll wish you love.
And I…will always love you…
I will always love you…
I will always love you…
I will always love you..
I will always love you…
I will always, love you.

This dumb and insensible girl, let’s kill the hope in her.
Yet her faith, is not allowed to flicker off,
This dumb and insensible girl.

.
.
.
A love is heartwrench and optimism. It is unconditional, unheeded, unrestrained…unstoppable.

“Eyes that saw too much, and later lost their strength to open.”

prom take #2

2009-12-10T20:13:00.001+08:00

After looking at the photos, just realised that Prom Take #2 reminded me of Prom Take #1. Should have known after buying that dress from that same shop, it’s just karma. Well, for good or bad, it doesn’t matter. Lol. Anyways, was such a noob at clubbing. The music made my eardrums want to explode, the crazy dancing with sweat I just realised is disgusting, and I forgot about my phobia for crowds. The cherry and gin drink is still bitter, had a hangover after drinking really a bit of it. Noobzzzz. That is what my stupid brother would say to me, if he’s here now. Lol. Well, prom is subjective. Some would say it’s woah, others would say it’s dah. Something like that? Well, and I thought there would be ballroom dancing. Gah. Prom is such an ass. Enough of romanticism, serene classic night, prom, no more no more.

today and tonight

2009-12-04T23:35:00.001+08:00

Today was a lovely, beautiful day. Clouds, breeze and peace. Little rain, drizzle, greenery. Had fun with lifesaving mates, which have not happened in a long time. No sun today, more clouds and cold water. Awesome screaming and thrill and peace in the water. Random talks and comfort. Splashing in the water and capsizing. Artificial downpours are great. A lil bonding here and there.

Tonight, is cold. The coldness is somewhat overwhelmingly cold. A bit too cold. Harsh, is the coldness. The airport’s ceiling design is dizzying, complicated, things running all over the place, mirroring the feelings of different people in the airport, haphazardness. The airport is too big suddenly, and the floor design is also dizzying, threatening to swallow and complicate. The moon tonight is hazy and blurred, glimmering from a place a bit too far away. The dark purple sky is solitary tonight, with tinges of pink.

And I’m left, and lost, not going anywhere, going nowhere.

If I’m lost for a day

Try to find me

If I don’t come back

Then I won’t look behind me

December is darkest, in June there’s the light

I dreamed I was dying as I so often do

And when I awoke I was sure it was true

I ran to the window, threw my head to the sky

And said whoever is up there, please don’t let me die

But I can’t live forever, I can’t always be

One day I’ll be sand on a beach by the sea

The pages keep turning, I mark off each day with a cross

And I’ll laugh about all that we’ve lost

you’re beautiful, beautiful

2009-12-01T23:08:00.001+08:00

Gosh, can’t believe I’m slowly, gradually, quickly becoming fascinated/thrilled/excited about a Korean character. Ting, it’s your fault!

Searched the bloody web for so long but I still can’t find a picture of him with his perfect sneer-turned-into-a-sexy-pout. –_- Seriously, this guy is different, different from the typical nice pretty boy. Which is more puzzling why he’s so fascinating.

Evil look that captured straight from the beginning.

=D intense look

scorn

brooding

Awesome pout. =DDDD

That soft side.

Awkward cuteness.

Closest to that interesting sneer, the one in green.

It’s something when guys sleep.

Cutesy sunshine! Knew he’s not that bad a character through and through.

P.S. Finally found it.

And some other awesome photos:

Awww. A virtual big big gigantic teddy bear monster hug to him. *refers to the tear-shine*

you’re beautiful

2009-11-30T13:30:00.001+08:00

“You’re Beautiful” has nice vibes. =D

so close

2009-11-26T22:01:00.001+08:00

you’re in my arms

and all the world is gone

the music playing on

for only two

a life goes by

romantic dreams must die.

handwriting and fonts

2009-11-26T21:56:00.001+08:00

Garbled

It’s hard to believe

what the fuck is this

forever

Awesome. Windows Live Writer allows me to use different fonts.

cold rainy grey

2009-11-26T12:53:00.001+08:00

Love to have such days.

scissorhands

2009-11-23T22:37:00.004+08:00

Caught a rare movie on Mio, touched me quite a bit. Edward Scissorhands (coincidentally named Edward too), a robot with a heart, an incomplete cyborg with a heart. His facial expression touched/intrigued me the most, the blank face with forlorn eyes, dark-ringed and weary. Love his gothic look, dunno why. The crazy wild hair, and especially the dark-ringed eyes, bruised with overwhelming sadness and his humane, gentle voice. (He looks like a freak to others; he fascinates me.) An awkward, self-conscious 'human' with a heart to love, yet incapable of love. That look in his eyes seriously captures.

Which reminds me of a poem written during preparation not too long ago.

-Minute 321-
Here is a little poem for thee.
Scratch, scratch, my ickle tiny sensor
Can't seem to capture thee.
You weird little beating feeling
Thing. Beep, beep, here goes my daily
Meanderings- register, register, a little
Token for thee. Days, weeks, months, years,
This Minute 321 waits for thee; this
Ickle strange beating feeling thing to beep,
With sound and fury, breaking the daily
Beepings and whirrings of Minute 321,
Finally, a token of a pretty beating
Human heart, for thee.

Oh wells, I was supposed to study, ended up frustrated and writing poetry. But it made me study better. Lol. Poem was inspired by robotic, mundane life. University of Blogging crowned me for bad poetry and emo long ago I almost forgot. Sheesh. Oops. Okay, so bad poetry for thee. The website's rather cool, doesn't give you random results. http://www.go-quiz.com/degree/degree.php

rainy cold wind

2009-11-23T17:07:00.010+08:00

My head is often in the clouds, I can be considered to be headless most of the time.

It's almost a cold, windy, rainy day everyday. Hearts. Feels like special days, perfect for New Moon season, and no sun to penetrate your skin, burn you alive. Can this continue forever and ever? It will be almost beautiful and magical everyday.

I was silly not to appreciate coldness earlier. Coldness is actually a sort of comforting beauty, it sharpens your thoughts, clears your mind, inspires senses, blurs numbness and pain.

Perspectives (taken during preparation)

Introducing Cheeky, Grad. Bear: a bear who looks like a mouse.

Mister Gurly: *peeks suspiciously*

Cheeky: Hello hello.

Mister Gurly: Who are you?
Cheeky: I'm her Graduation Bear. *big grin*

Mister Gurly: *grumbles*
Cheeky: Hey bro...don't worry, she still loves you.

Mister Gurly: Hmm...indeed you're cheeky.

*more convo*

Mister Gurly: *holds hands*
Cheeky: *sigh of relief*

*happily ever after* Notice the cheeky smile.

Didn't shift the subjects, except for last picture. Different takes, different angles. ☻

My two more alive soft toys (the rest unnamed,blanked in wardrobe).

weird and confused

2009-11-21T00:11:00.004+08:00

A zillion thoughts on my mind.

Today was supposed to remain like the beginning of today, woke up feeling cold, blue sky, white clouds dispersed, a truly windy day. And then rain, heavy rain, misty and beautiful, cleansing the world once again. Rain patterns formed on the windscreen, swirling, misty, beautiful.

Econs left me heavy, dull. I kind of disappeared while people were chattering excitedly around me, but was kinda excited for window-shopping with Roz and Simyee. And then, this thing happened. Enough said. But questionings of once in a million and why me still exist. But but, I'm still thankful for Roz and Simyee, was totally caught off-handed and clueless and exasperated and angsty. But but, I'm still feeling cursed and bothered. I didn't do anything to warrant this. Sure, it's a trivial thing as it seems and it doesn't deserve so much elaboration. Like a ridiculous, one off ugly comedy in a movie.

A zillion thoughts on my mind, thanks to the suppression of thoughts during preparation for the big exams. Everything was okay except for today, I was lucky (same qs done in assignments, thought of before, etc) before. So take heart on that? I dunno.

A Streak of Sadism

In days leading up to the actual exams, had a lot of weird, violent, gory dreams. But they are awesome in that way.

Dream #1: [Sight vivid, sound muted, feeling intense] Well this was like inspired from zombie infected horror movie. White old-school bus with windows. Everything was normal, was sitting on the inner seat. Alight, one girl. Different from the rest. Zombified face, strange eyes. Somehow I was the only person who knew. She walked past me, a moment of intensity. Suddenly, she broke out, felt her angst, vivid colour of blood streaked down her eyes, lips. She jumped out of the bus, broke the windows, caused a traffic commotion, people running. Later on, I was roaming on the streets, near my old house, lol, looking for her. What fascinated me the most was the intense colour of blood clot and pool of blood on the sidewalk here and there.

Dream #2: [sight muted, sound intense, feeling intense] Met a kidnapper in a coffeeshop, remembered most was how fast I was running away from the person, police on bikes on the rescue, remembered a rather handsome police officer piggybacking me. Lol. And I think I shouted in sleep.

Dream #3: [sight vivid, sound intense, feeling intense] Weirdest dream ever, got me disconnected for a while. Went into the realm between heaven and hell, where souls of people in critical condition went. Saw some familiar people but I'm not mentioning. Lol. Strangest was the place felt happy and noisy and lots of food. Buffet style. And then a group of unfamiliar people accompanied me. Followed by some hell guard. Then I was off into a tunnel-slide. Then I was on top of a tree, 10-stories high, with some faceless girl-friends. Felt the thrill of jumping straight down from the tree with them, as normal as going down the stairs, though I have fear for heights.

Dream #4: [sight vivid, sound muted, feeling intense] In school, the teachers told us to form rows at the bottom of my secondary school staircase. On each of the steps, a few random boy classmates never met before in life. The boys at the bottom of the staircase went first, stabbing the boys on the steps with knives. Felt the gore, and everyone went to do what the teachers wanted except me. Refused. Got scolded and condemned in the hall for it.

Yep, that's about it. In the actual days of exams, dreamless sleep returned. Lol.

Had difficulty sleeping for morning papers though.

The thing about education is, it kind of brainwashes you into a certain way of thinking. They tell you your thinking is warped, incorrect, and you're forced to rework, rewire your brain into their correct terminologies used and such. Talking about econs. And math, sure apps. of differentiation and integration can be used to differentiate ourselves from others and integrate our lives. And statistics, deep down you know you don't really know what the heck you are memorising. And history, the events of the past boggles and the files can kill someone 3 times over. Literature's the only subject I can resonate with, relate to, have feelings for, wept for some characters though they're fictional but yet they're real. And they tell you it's useless, redundant, irrational and you should be ace-ing for Sciency subjects instead.

No matter, my thoughts are finally free now, free to roam, to explore, to ponder, to grow.

What if raindrops have the effects of candlewax, you feeling the hot stinging feeling on your skin as they fall? And then they harden onto your skin, creating an impervious layer, building up until you're in your own mould? Think it will be cool, feeling so hot and then so cold.

he

2009-10-14T21:27:00.007+08:00

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme, I know

He's as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

If I tried to save him

My whole world would cave in

It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful

Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy, hysterical

I'm searching for some kind of a miracle

Waiting so long,

So long

He's soft to the touch

But frayed at the end, he breaks

He's never enough

And still he's more than I can take

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster.
~

faith and belief

2009-10-09T23:05:00.002+08:00

The chastising and despising

Turns into doubts, heartwrench, deception and disbelief

Once again,

Turning into that of self-belief, hope, faith and destiny.

exception to post

2009-09-26T10:20:00.003+08:00

Exception to post because I feel so darn good right now. Finished doing the big love cards and other love cards yesterday, finally, after feeling like doing for so long (and yet not the 'guts' to). Going to Dunman on Monday with Kiwi and others to meet our beloved teachers and the thought just makes me sing. SING. SING...*dunman anthem and such*

Belated Teachers' Day Cards. Hadn't Kiwi asked me, I won't have gone back this year, especially before A Levels. Thank you Kiwi! =)

Sniffling while writing,
Then finally, a peace of mind. ♥

Was having a good time yesterday talking to my secondary school mates online and such. Realised we still have good vibes and everyone is still the same, after all. Misses them all the more so, and Susie never failed to make me laugh throughout the telephone call. (I'm happy that name stuck with him for a decade =)) )

And later I'm meeting Sus, Faith, Amelin and...my twin. =)))) No wonder I'm so happy yesterday, today and all of the days without in MJ.

I'm certain all these would strengthen me for the rest of the days.

disappearance

2009-09-10T16:58:00.008+08:00

I'm thankful for yesterday
Birthday cake, family, birthday wishes-
Yet I wished, I hadn't turn doubly-nine yesterday

The feeling of acute pain in the realisation of things

Gets to my head,

Things never the same again;

So this was the special twist

In the special day of yesterday.

Goodbye.

my magic no. is really 9

2009-09-09T00:09:00.007+08:00

Lol! I feel so amused with myself now. Waited for the screen time to show 00:09 to post on this much awaited day since...10 years ago, 1999.

A long long time ago, a p2 squarish-haired girl with blurred specky smiled to herself in the school bus. She was proud of her birthday, 9 Sep 1999, classmates were proud of the date too. Somewhat she felt special. And she thought to herself, "Wow! 10 years later, the date will change to 09/09/09." And more questions, "Won't I be 18 already? How will I look? Can I register my marriage on that day?" It just seemed so perfect for a marriage date, the thought of the prince charming with the horse in her mind. And now, she knows the answer.[but hey, there's another chance, 09/09/2019, teehee]

Birthday wishes, and counting.
It's going to be a blessed day, the most blessed ever.
Actually, I would like to say I'm now doubly-nine. =)
I have a big birthday wish, maybe it will become 8 wishes, and a little secret wish...

Looking into the mirror, I see a different girl...but not all too different from the blurred specky squared-hair girl with a hairband 10 years ago. We're the same, actually.

☺Smiles~

a beautiful mind

2009-09-08T09:50:00.008+08:00

I have suddenly a strong tendency to write dreamily and fantasily, is it a writer's flow?, after watching Time Traveller's Wife yesterday with Roz after Prelim General Paper. Sneaked out with her actually without telling parents [but happily told them after watching] =) Seriously, it's the most meaningful movie of all time and boundaries and it followed the book well. Reminds people of family bonds and true love really do exist. Binds people to hold on to the intangible but affirming belief that a one person does love you all her/his life...

Some of my muses written in my dreamy diary:

a memory of two pretty yellow hummingbirds

twitting, flitting, chasing with their pointy

black beaks, a scurry of two blur yellows,

chasing, embracing, loving.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~
misty heavy light splash pour

drenched like a carwash, a big big one

grey skies calming weather solitude,

cleansing the soul, refreshing the mind

comfort in the storm.

Feels like a beautiful mind. ♥

the pains of being pure at heart

2009-08-23T21:24:00.004+08:00

Chanced upon this really nice lyric-sy band, The Pains of Being Pure at Heart, the idea of relating I guess. Really lucky to chance upon this nice music too, catchy indeed,

A teenager in love with Christ and heroin~

the art of missing

2009-08-17T22:27:00.002+08:00

I was wondering, what happens when you miss someone? You know that feeling?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
It's like you can dwell on it, forever.

to the moon and back

2009-08-01T09:07:00.002+08:00

An impulse to quickly post because it's not usual for me to remember dreams and a very different one. Travelled to the moon by my father's car and we saw misty air, light blues and greens outside the car window and it was the highway to the moon. Haha. Seriously. The journey felt very different and I think our car was flying upwards, like the feeling in the plane. Then I think I fell into a deep sleep, because I couldn't remember seeing the rocky surface of the moon...so we almost travelled to the moon. Teehee. The environment was nice though, like a different world. So lame...okay back to boring reality. The quirkiest dream ever. I wonder what it means... =)

so close

2009-07-10T23:30:00.011+08:00

-edit-

So Close,
A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine, goodbye
And never knew
So close,
Was waiting
So Close
So far
We are,
So close
How could I face these faceless days
If I should lose you now
We're so close
Though we know we are
So close
So close,
and still
So Far
So close,
to feeling alive

[Seriously think I shouldn't write this frequently...but sometimes it's hard to help it =(]

-edit-

The emotions played out so well in the dance; shyness, silent questionings, transient bliss, wistfulness, touching caresses, sudden revelation of love, captivated and unwilling to leave, reality of departure, concealment of feelings...unwanted revelation of the heart.

Mascot
Hide, hide
Blank face under the ugliness-
The scary smiling and always smiling-
The innocent child's pointing
At the blank face
Poking and laughing,
The mascot's finally feels
And smiles underneath.

Poem inspired by a photo in the papers, somehow I'm losing sense of writing, of the direction of the way I'm living...this poem is so damn obvious and babyish.

twirl

2009-07-04T00:11:00.013+08:00

-edit- Been suppressing thoughts for abit too long. Somehow, I'm taking comfort in this impasse, of this huge black leap before everything falls into light, because of the friendships; relationships with friends, formed. The thought of losing these precious knots of fate, what they are called are true friends, is scary. Sometimes, friendships are dear to your heart as dear as to your family. Learning from them, laughing, sharing, growing with you. This impasse, is scarier than the previous, the fears, growing more acute and real. Due to circumstances uncontrolled, of friendships fading away, into those of hi-bye situations or just a nod of hey-i-know-you, of friends migrating away, of personal touches lost with time, of friends...lost, to mishap or even death...ohpleasenottheword. These friends are not those friends just for whimsical company, or worse is when one is obliged to call another 'friend' just because you know them, but friends who are called, for they are worthy to be called friends.

Somehow, I don't want this [impasse] to end because no one really knows what lies ahead, whether which friend you would lose, with time......

Please let these angels stay with me, stay with me... They are precious to me, precious as precious can ever be. Now I know. [Read an article the other day and stumbled across something that said, even in your deathbed, you would have to face death alone. Pleasepleaseplease let not this be true.]

Cheesy lyrics from HighSchoolMuscial3's Can I Have This Dance somehow speaks to me of friendships more than relationships.

"Won't you promise me,

That you'll never forget...

It's like catching lightning

The chances of finding someone, like you

And with every step together,

We just keep on getting better...

Take my hand,

I'll take the lead,

And every turn, will be safe with me,

Don't be afraid, afraid to fall,

You know I'll catch you, through it all..."

Or am I confused, once again. But but, another song that crosses the line so I'm not really confused.

"Do you hear me, talking to you,

Across the water, across the deep blue ocean...

Boy I hear you, in my dreams,

Feel you whisper, across the sea,

Keep you with me, in my heart,

You make it easier when life gets hard...

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed

Lucky to be coming home someday...

Move so pretty, you're all I see

As the world keeps spinning round,

You hold me, right here right now"

Lucky, a song that sounds whimsical yet affirmative and comforting.

Last paper to go, Lit paper 5, a good reason to emo, saddened by the tragedy of king lear, dwelling into the tragedy, and later suicidal plath...[lit paper 5 just like paper 2 of anyother, disguised to make lit kids look more studious? -_-]

Twirl, twirl,

Don't stop, don't stop.

Driving, driving off the fear.

p.s. lamequiz
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, mp3 player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 15 friends
5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
6. Have Fun!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY?" YOU SAY?
Can't Help Falling In Love [makes me so lovesick -_-]

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Right Now [righthererightnow isit??]

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Somebody Like You [yeahyeah,who'sthepersonthen-_-]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Like That [likewhat!!]

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Calendar Girl [nonono!!! lol]

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
What Are You Waiting For? [i'mwaitingfortheskytofall -_-]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Outrageous [sssh, lol]

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
First [first what...-_-]

WHAT IS 2+2?
Kiss Me [ahaha cheesy]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Teardrops On My Guitar [emo? everyone'semosometimesanyway lol]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Right Now [again?? righthererightnow]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
When I Found You [foundwho? -_-]

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Xiang Ni (Thinking of You) [haha hopeit'sthesamepersonever -_-]

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Maybe I'm Right [andmaybei'mwrong...ggrr]

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
I've Just Begun (Having My Fun) [yeahright!]

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
No Way out [noway!!!]

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I Wanna Love U 4ever [yeahmaybe]

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Cool [coolshits??]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
I'm Loving It [=)]

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
...Baby One More Time [-___-]

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Cool(Photex Remix) [okwhat'sthecoolwaytodiethen]

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
My Prerogative [areyousure]

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Against All Odds [sadistic]

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Feels So Good [weirdo]

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Everyday [nothankyouno]

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Crash [yep,phobiaofincomingcars]

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Lucky [she'ssolucky,butshecrycrycryinthelonely...]

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Something I Never Had [kindofmakessense]

Gotcha!~ Ting, Ke Hua, Edwin, Xin Yi, Annette, Syu, Nicholas, En Yi, Jie Ming, Yi Chen, Amelin, Nicole, Cheryl, Han Xian, Ting's mei. =)

the line is crossed

2009-06-25T16:43:00.002+08:00

I'm this, when I'm with you.

And this, when I'm with you.

ting's tag

2009-06-21T22:13:00.013+08:00

For dear Ting, fun time!:

WHAT WAS YOUR
Last beverage: water
Last phone call: nic
Last text message: lyn
Last song you listened to: thinking of you by katy perry
Last time you cried: 2 weeks ago i think

HAVE YOU EVER
Dated someone twice: nope, clean slate
Been cheated on: nope, clean slate again
Kissed someone and regretted it: haven't had first kiss damnit! haha kidding though, on the damnit
Lost someone special: thank goodness no
Been depressed: yeah quite a lot, maybe a just a little
Been drunk and threw up: nope will not happen lol

LIST 3 FAV COLOURS
Pink
Dark red
Grey/Limegreen/Yellow can't-decide-must-depend-on-mood

THIS YEAR (2009) HAVE YOU
Made a new friend: yeah! a few new good friends
Fallen out of love: nope, maybe out of crushes
Laughed until you cried: nope, not this year
Met someone who changed you: kind of? hope i interpreted this qs right as in someone is not a stranger
Found out who your true friends were: yeah though the hard way i'm still thankful
Found out someone was talking about you: yeah like totally, those frivolity,
Kissed anyone on your friends' list: so repetitive, the kissing qs, no again
How many people on your friends' list do you know in real life: almost all
How many kids do you want to have: twins hopefully, or boy and a girl
Do you have any pets: nope, but dreaming of a doggie when i'm settled
Do you want to change your name: nope, maybe add a name
What did you do for your last birthday: had birthday cake as usual
What time did you wake up today: 11 lol
What were you doing at midnight last night: bathing
Name something you cannot wait for: the damn A levels to be over
Last time you saw your mother: 5 mins ago
What is one thing you wish you could change for your life: the uncertainty of it
What are you listening to right now: the thoughts in my head
Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: nope, but i want to talk to tom felton lol
What's getting on your nerves right now: nothing much really
Most visited webpage: blogger
What's your real name: cai ling
Nicknames: cass, ah cai, ling ah, ling-ling, vegetable bell, cl, kcl, potassium chloride!...
Relationship status: engaged to mister gurly, attached to A but can't wait to get rid of 'him' lol!
Zodiac sign: goat
Male or Female: female -_-
Elementary: tampines primary
Middle school: dunman~~~
High school/college: mjc
Hair colour: black
Long/short: long
Height: 163
Do you have a crush on someone: eh, not sure though, maybe?
What do you like about yourself: my dimples =), and maybe my weirdness or quirkiness/uniqueness putting it in the nice way
Piercings: 2
Tattoos: 0
Right/lefty: rightey

FIRSTS
First surgery: NA
First piercing: ear
First best friend: xiang ai
First sport you joined: swimming
First vacation: KL though i remember nothing about it
First pair of trainers: during pri school
Eating: during baby period??
Drinking: these qs suck
I'm about to: stop typing
Listening to: the background
Waiting on: the last 100 qs

YOUR FUTURE
Kids: definitely
Get married: all the more definitely, been dreaming of my wedding since i held the train of my aunt's gown when i was a kid
Career: one which i would love, love, love, and not get sick of it, and maybe adding high pay and stability

WHICH IS BETTER
Lips/eyes: can i be greedy and decide on both since both are complementary -_-
Hugs/kisses: same here
Shorter/taller: taller definitely
Older/younger: none best is same age
Romantic/spontaneous: can i be greedy again and say both
Nice stomach/arms: nice everything lol, maybe just nice stomach, scared of big muscled arms
Sensitive/Loud: sensitive please
Hookup/relationship: relationship -_-
Trouble maker/hesitant: hesitant lol

HAVE YOU EVER
Kissed a stranger: another of those kissing qs again, like no -_-
Drank hard liquor: no again
Lost glasses/contacts: glasses sheesh...
Sex on first date: -_- !!!!
Broken someone's heart: not to that extent i guess
Been arrested: nope lol
Turned someone down: yeah and relieved to
Cried when someone died: no one died.
Fallen for a friend: eh...maybe??

DO YOU BELIEVE IN
Yourself: at times
Miracles: during those desperate times
Love at first sight: last time, but not now
Heaven: yeah
Santa Claus: last time
Kiss on the first date: unless the other person has been known for a long long time...-_-
Angels: i want to

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY (doesn't this apply to all qs??)
Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: urgh, no again
Did you sing today: to myself yeah
Ever cheated on somebody: no again
If you could go back in time, how far would you go: to my toddlish childhood days with my ah ma If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be: the last chiangmai day
Are you afraid of falling in love: nope, rather on the how
Posting this as 100 truths: isn't it obvious

-100 truths
(do this only if you are damn damn free/obliged to do so ahha but it's kind of nice but some qs quite crappy and, joking on the obliged one, ting =)) )

Dark Angel

a slightly different mood

love

random

sometimes

helloo i miss you

absence

seen a lot

i will always carry you

A Poem for Thee

loved and prepared to go all the way

about it all

saviour

the month of december

its true

hmm

catharsis

really,

i think

official

all because of you

family

uncertain

don’t know

the night

can’t nobody do it like you

fragile

oh, they don’t know.

Oh, they don’t know. That people dearest to you cut across your fucked-up heart effortlessly. What do you do, then? You believe in the things you believe in, always, and prove them wrong, as they have always been.

heartening

a beautiful mess

ugh ugh ugh

beauty in lyrics

sometimes

.

on another note

‘fraid

ponder

exclusion

we’re gonna dance on

so can we just

peace out

self-imposed

repressing

grooovy

hmm

dancing in glitter

sometimes

if the moon fell down

12 lotus

for all the selflessness

awakening, fragility of life

dream about the wind

live well

i want to

the distance makes things meaningless

fullstop

make

letting go

speechless

the day time waited for me

a sealed envelope

love you for you

eyes on me

the laughter stopped you from crying

Miss Invisible

the brilliance of you

wordless

holding hope, love, faith

heart of gold isn't always gold

the last train

lovely day~*~*

heart be kind…

baby's magic

"i wrote this for you"

a light

the last 09

always love you

prom take #2

today and tonight

lovely day~~