♥ heart on wings

College life. Meeting new people, working together with new people in terms of project and homework, forcing yourself out of your own comfort zone, still wishing for something to come true in the midst of college life- the life of discipline, of time management...

I'm actually scared.

10:57 PM;

To think I forgot the taste of fever...was engrossed in reading during the afternoon and something told me to measure my temperature. Was bored and yeah I was shocked. 39.2 degrees. Cool, thought it was the afternoon heat or something, until I discovered my hands and feet were numbly cold. Man, I guess some of my sensory neurones have cracked up. Didn't realise my foot was cut and bleeding for some time during a CNY visiting. The highest temperature was 39.5. Call me a total weirdo/freak, since I only felt fiery throbbing pain in my head till then. Whenever I started to think of things, my temperature went up.

And so I was at home for 2 school days...total days spent at home: 5 days. (Yeah, freaking sore throat, bloody cough and flu, whatcha think?) Which left me almost insanely lonely. Gaahh, tomorrow will be a totally new beginning. I'm afraid.



Oh crap. I'm really gonna miss all my classmates in Tampines Junior...just my classmates, and maybe the spaciousness of the canteen and cafe.

"As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I could not think of them, but I must remember them."

Fate/Kismet/Destiny...they all mean the same thing.
Till then.

7:48 PM;

"The ocean sounded very far away, somehow farther than before, when I was on the path in the trees. I grimaced when I thought of the probable temperature of the water. But I wasn't going to let that stop me. The wind blew stronger now, whipping the rain into eddies around me. I stepped out to the edge, keeping my eyes on the empty space in front of me. My toes felt ahead blindly, caressing the edge of the rock when they encountered it. I drew in a deep breath and held it...waiting. "Bella." I smiled and exhaled. Yes? I didn't answer out loud, for fear that the sound of my voice would shatter the beautiful illusion. He sounded so real, so close. It was only when he was disapproving like this that I could hear the true memory of his voice- the velvet texture and the musical intonation that made up the most perfect of all voices. "Don't do this," he pleaded. You wanted me to be human, I reminded him. Well, watch me. "Please. For me." But you won't stay with me any other way. "Please." It was just a whisper in the blowing rain that tossed my hair and drenched my clothes- making me as wet as if this were my second jump of the day. I rolled up onto the balls of my feet. "No, Bella!" He was angry now, and the anger was so lovely. I smiled and raised my arms straight out, as if I were going to dive, lifting my face into the rain. But it was too ingrained from years of swimming at the public pool- feet first, first time. I leaned forward, crouching to get more spring... And I flung myself off the cliff.
......
"Fight!" he yelled. "Damn it, Bella, keep fighting." Why? I didn't want to fight anymore. And it wasn't the light-headedness, or the cold, or the failure of my arms as the muscles gave out in exhaustion, that made me content to stay where I was. I was almost happy that it was over. This was an easier death than others I'd faced. Oddly peaceful. I thought briefly of the cliches, about how you were suppose to see your life flash before your eyes. I was so much luckier. Who wanted to see a rerun, anyway? I saw him, and I had no will to fight. It was so clear, so much more defined than any memory.
......
My ears were flooded with the freezing water, but his voice was clearer than ever. I ignored his words and concentrated on the sound of his voice. Why would I fight when I was so happy where I was? Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I was content. I'd forgotten what real happiness felt like. Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable. The current won at that moment, shoving me abruptly against something hard, a rock invisible in the gloom. It hit me solidly across the chest, slamming into me like an iron bar, and the breath whooshed out of my lungs, escaping in a thick cloud of silver bubbles. Water flooded down my throat, choking and burning. The iron bar seemed to be dragging me, pulling me away from Edward, deeper into the dark, to the ocean floor. Goodbye, I love you, was my last thought."

12:39 PM;

Hacking cough that is complemented by a major sore throat, packaged nicely with 'insomnia'. Many thoughts in my mind. Swirling all around, suffocating me. Perfect.

Life changes may be positive and refreshing, but where the hell is the comfort that lies in the 'past'(or referred to as present) ?

Life passes swiftly by. A random old man with dementia that lost his way back home, shows the natural deterioration of Man as time goes by. So what about it, you may ask. Regret. The feeling that most people feel in life. Regret that I've never done this, gave it a try...regret, regret, then life takes us all away...

Self-assertion. To get what you want in life, to get satisfaction...I'm giving it a try.

Surrealism. Initially, I thought everything's getting so surreal as everything is changing...fast. People, places... But I've never thought that the problem lies with me. Living in my own world.

Studies, studies...what am I living for actually? I feel dead.

......

9:11 PM;

Avoid making any big commitments with your heart, because you're in a state of flux. You are not feeling solid about anything, which is going to feel a lot more confusing that you might think.

Horoscopes. Horrorscopes. Because they are so true.

11:28 AM;

Somewhere;
Floating along, drifting, swaying everywhere,
A broken, torn leaf
In the ocean tempest tossed
Directions?
No, getting lost...

Feelings;
Melancholy, Excitement, Regret,
A ruby ring
With its jagged edges
All over the place...

Where's the owner?
To fix this mess
To clear it all up
To make things seem right again...

Where is he?

Oh my goodness...my poem writing skill has deteriorated so badly...but hope you don't mind and...Happy Valentine's.

Love is all here =)

7:05 PM;

Once in a lifetime
Means there's no second chance
So I believe that you and me
Should grab it while we can
Make it last forever
And never give it back
It's our turn and I'm loving where we're at
Because this moment's really all we have...
Everyday of our lives
Wanna find you there, wanna hold on tight
Gonna run
While we're young
And keep the faith...

Lyrics above are from High School Musical 2's Everyday that can totally relate to one's feelings on...Valentine's Day. ......

Okay during Lit lesson just now, since it's Valentine's Day, the teacher asked us to write down on how you would like your dream guy to woo you. (since majority are girls) Lol, so interesting right. Hmm...I wrote down quite a lot of things but I just told the teacher that I would like the guy to be mysterious and secretly romantic...Lol. Mysterious in the sense that he's not an open book but he's daring to express himself and has that kind of elusive charm...and secretly romantic, well this easy to analyse lol meaning that he's not openly romantic kinda guy...lol. So funny. Loved the lit lesson.

Oh well, this day is a totally depressing day for unattached people (talking about myself 'emo-ing' now lol) but it will be more depressing if one does not have loving friends and a loving family. I'm considered lucky in the sense that I've received many goodies from my current classmates and lovely smes too...and of course my family. =) Hugged some classmates because it's Valentine's Day, and my hugs are priceless. Lol. And now I'm back home, typing this and 'emo-ing' sheesh. Oh and I expected college to be really hyper about today, but I guess it's just about selling balloons and many types of flowers...a quiet occasion without concert too boo. =(

Is it true that loving someone doesn't need any reasons at all?
.
.
.
.
.
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literally: the moon represents the heart..


this supposed to be purple-reddish sky with half moon illuminating the whole sky


once in a lifetime...


there's no second chance

4:44 PM;

A blink of the eye...and everything's gone.













Oops, I know I shouldn't feel that way because it's still Chinese New Year. Oh well, I shall talk about it to make me feel lively for some time.

The Eve of The New Year
Went back to Dunman in the morning with Dunmanites posted to Tampines Junior for the time being and felt so at home. But we're still considered visitors nevertheless. Aww. =( Met many teachers and the Principal of course. Chatted with them but there's still a level of distance nevertheless...but I'm still happy to have gone back there...the students were all celebrating in their respective classrooms and the teachers and Principal have prepared a video for them too. =)

In the evening, went to Ah Ma's house for the reunion dinner. We reached there and the atmosphere was really festive due to everyone's presence. And the video-ing one of my uncles did added to the atmosphere. Lo Hei, chopsticks, steamboat dinner, smiles, 'cheekiness', surprises, hearty talks...

Stayed up till one plus at night, with the vampire series keeping me up till that time. Before that, watched TV with the countdown party thing and played blackjack with my family and went on a winning streak...

New Year
Started off the days late as usual since my mom and brother love to sleep till 11am, 12 noon...-_- Got dressed up and ready to go with a bag of oranges and my own bag and visited my grandparents' houses, my uncles and aunties' houses...

And gave oranges to the elders and my parents in exchange for loads of angbaos =)

And then came the talks...
"Woah, this is your daughter?" Really cheesy though. =)
"Getting prettier by the year eh!" -_- Haha.
"Eh, don't hit the roof!" !!!
"Woah, you can go marry someone already!" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"So you're Sec 4 now? No? Oh so you're JC1 now!" -_- Lol.
"So which JC you're going to?" I dunno =)
"How did you do for the O Levels?" =)
My Ah Ma said, "Woah, everyday different outfit eh!" =)

And then came the tasting of the foodies and drinks and playing with the little cousins. And two little cousins asked me, "Why'd you permed your hair?" And so I replied honestly, "Because I want my hair to have more shape." And they told me, "Next time I also want to perm my hair." Oh my, so cute!

And then the 'serious' thing; blackjack. Hmm, after the eve, I haven't been on a winning streak...just some winning, some losing...about neutral. -_- I'm quite sick of the game already, playing it for three days and one day we played till 1am. Lol,

I think that's about it...I dunno what else to type anymore....oh there's one more thing: I am supposed to be in school today, but I guessed I was too tired that my hand involuntarily slammed down the alarm clock...

12:55 PM;

"It will be as if I'd never existed."


"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."


"As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I could not think of them, but I must remember them."


"Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live- I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed."

- Excerpts from New Moon

It's almost absurdity that this vampire series really grips my heart and that I can relate to it...

P.S. Don't laugh at the pictures -_- (Is taking pictures really vanity? Or an expression from the heart?) -_- =)

P.S.S. Early Happy Chinese New Year! =))

9:03 PM;

SLACKER! Whoah, I can finally be entitled to have this title...add a bloody in front too.

You might think it's a bloody paradox for me to ought to be named a bloody slacker...but it's true! It's a bloody disease that I've caught ever since...the third week of going to Tampines Junior? Hmm...it's not like I'm blaming the school or whatever, but I guess the environment actually plays a part, a role, on your holistic behaviour...hmm.

Or it may be because of the fact that I'm already aware that I would not stay in this current college, hence no more attachment to the college anymore? Sounds so bad...but I think I'll miss some parts of this college, like the cute school song...-_-

Anyway, I've had enough of attending lessons (tutorials plus lectures) to understand more of college life. Seriously, Econs was really hard to understand initially and I'm finally understanding it now! Literature is cool, getting more in depth...H1 Math is a bore, yet H2 Math is difficult. -_- Sometimes I skipped lessons (either tutorials or lectures) and went to slack around and talk in either the library, cafe or canteen. Other times, I skipped school totally because I felt like sleeping more! Haha, sounds so bad but it kinda balances my goody-two-shoes image. -_-

Chinese New Year is already looking me in the face...my mom has pasted so many decorations in the house like she's so excited about the new year and she has worked nonstop in the house ever since last week? Oh man, how I wished she can learn how to relax. (like me) =)

This year I must have broken a big record of buying......12+ tops, 8+ bottoms (including skirts) !!! Haha. Around there. And like 3 pairs of shoes and a new bag? =))

And tomorrow about all the Dunmanites posted to Tampines Junior shall be going back to Dunman to 'crash' the new year's eve celebration...and gonna window-shop/watch movie/slack afterwards? Yeah playing truant tomorrow! Teehee.

4:40 PM;

Obsession with this song still and ever...

Love the way the lyrics go "And I wonder...are you thinking of me coz' I'm thinking of you?..." because the way the guy playing the electric guitar sings it is sooo...

the type of voice I like. Haha. This sounds sick.

And I wonder...are you ever coming back in my life? Coz' here I am, so alone, and there's nothing in this world I can do...

*guitar jams and chords*

A lost floating leaf in the boundless, dark and deep ocean. Floating aimlessly, wandering, past fierce high tides and deafening crushes of the waves...where are you?

8:43 PM;

be with myself

Affirmation

cappucino on a rainy day,
snuggles in the warmth of blankets,
hot food in the arms of hunger,
huge umbrella of a stranger,
embraces in the rain,
smiles amidst frowns,
sincerity..
triumphs and singing of the heart

clarity

Raindrops like candlewax
Drowning in a
Solid sculpture, you Burning and cold.

peace

Independence
Health
Baking skills
Yoga/Electone lessons
Love
Faith
Happiness

serenity.

*HUGS* TOTAL! *HUGGIES* snuggles & cuddles

.::.
Cousin ♥
amelin =)
fiona =)
ke*hua =)
edwin =)
sim*yee =)
yi*chen =)
anna =)
♥ trains

.::.